My PTSD Journey - Part 2

My therapist is a woman, and she is very helpful and understanding. I still remember that in our first meeting, she told me this. 

This is not just about me; this is about you, and you will have to do the hard work. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. I am here to listen and guide you, and many others have faced similar struggles and come through stronger.

I agreed, and we started to list out what my main goal is for this therapy that I am undergoing with her. 'We will make sure you graduate,' she said. I trust her, and we start my journey to untangle all the knots and dig into the roots of my issue, which has helped me improve my relationships and manage stress better.

Photo Credit: BrainBodyWellnessAZ.com

Yes, it is a very bumpy road that I went through for those few months. At some point, I felt like giving up because unwrapping the wounds was painful and revisiting the past was hard. The memories and experiences I tried to sweep under the carpet now had to be brought to light. But I want you to know that if you're going through something similar, this process is worth it, and you're not alone in facing these challenges. Healing takes time, and that patience is part of the journey. 

The stigma at my workplace about people seeing a psychiatrist as a 'crazy' person actually scares me. But my therapist affirms that seeking professional help is a courageous act. Listening to her words of encouragement and affirmations gave me the strength to show up for all my appointments with her. 

This is my take-home message for those out there who struggle with mental health:

1. You are not alone. 
2. Take the first step to seek help, and it is okay to not be okay. 
3. The pain we dealt with in the process is a healing in progress. 
4. We are fighters, and we will never give up hope!

With love and prayers!

Rose 🌹

My PTSD Journey - Part 1

I feel compelled to share my journey with PTSD to raise awareness about mental health. October is Mental Health Awareness Month in Malaysia. Before I begin, I want to emphasise that we, the mental health patients and survivors, are not "crazy." Please refrain from calling us "orang gila" or any term that suggests we are insane. Such labels hurt us and do not aid in our recovery from already tangled minds. Instead, I urge you to be kind and empathetic towards us. Let’s work together to eliminate the stigma attached to mental health challenges.

I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) at the end of 2020. My symptoms worsened over time; I became more jumpy, easily irritated, experienced uncontrolled anger, and felt a constant urge to isolate myself from social interactions. The pandemic intensified my condition, as I found myself alone in my house. My only companion during this time was my cat, Gabby. It was during this period that I began to experience episodes at home, crying and feeling hopeless without any apparent triggers. My mind became my enemy, playing tricks on my conscience. My relationships with those around me deteriorated; I often picked fights with people who showed me kindness, unable to accept their love and compassion. My self-image suffered, leading to very negative self-talk.

Source: Kinder in the Keys

To make a long story short, I made a new friend while attempting to adopt a stray dog. She turned out to be a mental health doctor at the local clinic. As we became friends, I gradually began to open up to her about my struggles. Accessing a mental health doctor at a local hospital usually requires a recommendation letter from another doctor. After listening to my story, she offered to write me a recommendation if I wished to see a psychiatrist.

By the end of 2020, I started visiting the local mental health hospital. My journey began with consultations with a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with PTSD after conducting tests and evaluations. After a few sessions, the psychiatrist asked if I wanted to be prescribed medication; I declined and requested counselling instead. I undergo the counselling session over a year.

To be continued in Part 2.

Silenced

Photo Credit: Google Image 

It’s incredibly frustrating to feel like your voice doesn’t matter anymore. Is it because you’re a woman? Is it because people think you’re no longer significant? Is it because you seem invisible? Or is it simply that you’re not part of their inner circle? 

I used to speak up confidently and share my thoughts, but everything changed for me in 2019 when I faced humiliation at a management retreat. Since then, I’ve gradually lost my confidence. I don’t feel like the courageous, passionate, and motivated person I once was.

This message is for those in higher positions, those who make decisions, and those who hold power: We are all human, so please treat us that way. Listen to us. Allow us to share our thoughts without interruption.

Gosh, I don’t even have ideas to write anymore. Too frustrated and demotivated. To be continued…..

Negative Thoughts Haunting Me

 

Our photo during the dinner

I’ve been having some tough moments since last week. My mind isn’t in the right place, and I feel like I’m slowly sinking into a dark hole again. Negative thoughts are bombarding my mind with harsh affirmations. I’ve been trying hard to come back to the surface. During our Annual Dinner on Friday night, I attempted to capture a photo of myself and my colleague drowning in a glass of water (see above). Looking back, that’s exactly how I feel – drowning in the negative emotions surrounding me.

Last night, I felt alone and as if nobody cared about me. A deep sadness washed over me, making me feel neglected and abandoned by everyone. In the end, I cried and sobbed. What is actually happening? What are the triggers? What is the root cause of all these emotions suddenly surfacing?

I decided to practice the butterfly method my therapist taught me. While doing the tapping, I repeated affirmations like, “I am loved, I am enough, I am worthy, I am kind, I am amazing, I am precious.” It was difficult because I kept sobbing, but I persevered, knowing I need to get through this episode. I want peace of mind, peace of heart, and restful sleep.

After finishing with deep breathing and prayers, I tried to sleep. I played the "Songs of Mary" playlist, and finally, I fell asleep. Thank you, Lord.

Officially Mrs. Covarrubias!

This blog is my diary. So, let it be that way even though there is Facebook or Instagram. I chose the first platform, which is my blog! I posted last year on December 7th that I was engaged, and then two days later, after I announced that good news, my dad passed away. Then, things were not going so well, and the plan to get married in June 2025 was not a priority anymore. However, God works in mysterious ways. 

We proceed with our church wedding on June 28th, 2025, at St Patrick's Church, Madison. I am officially Mrs. Covarrubias! Woooot!! Thank you, Lord, for giving us so much hope and blessing us with all the good people around us who help us make our wedding happen. My dear families, in-laws, and friends from both continents —Malaysia and America —thank you so much! I LOVE all of you so much! 

To my dear, lovely husband, we have been on our journey as husband and wife for almost four months now. When we decided to choose this path, we knew for sure that our distance would become one of our challenges. However, God keep giving us strength and courage to face this with trust and faith in each other. Let's keep moving forward with faith, and one day, we will be united and serving God as a little family. 

Holy Family of Nazareth, hear our prayers!