Overwhelmed

Photo Credit: Self-Love

Lately, I've been feeling completely overwhelmed and adrift. The stress from my workload over the past two weeks has started to take its toll. In meetings, I find myself staring into space, drained of the energy to voice my thoughts or stand up for my ideas. It's as if I've hit a wall—I've had enough of the endless cycle of discussions that only seem to lead to more confusion. 

My biggest frustration? The lack of decisiveness from our management team. This project has been dragging on for nearly 11 months, all because no one has the courage to take a stand and make a clear decision. Every time I try to get clarity, I'm met with a jumble of conflicting answers. I even reached out to the ministry office to ensure I was following the right procedures. Yet, upon returning, I was met with more mixed messages from our leaders. 

Am I simply venting? Not at all. I just want to clear my mind so I can reclaim my life and focus on what truly matters.

Having a Bad Day in the Office!

Everyone has a bad day, and I am no exception. When I have a bad day, it affects everyone around me. No matter who they are: my husband, my mother, my siblings, my best friends, etc. I know I have a very thin layer of patience, and I get irritated easily. Small things can become a big fire! My self-control is weak, though it is much better now than when I was younger.  

Photo Credit: Forbes

I have to admit two things that overwhelm me and are the source of my stress at the moment:

1. Toxic superiors and working environment.
2. Workloads and multitasking.

With point number 1, I have to say my direct superior is incompetent because he can't make wise decisions and has poor management skills. He didn't even do his own job and kept delegating those tasks to us, his subordinates, until some of us lost focus on our own project we were supposed to deliver. He can't go to a management meeting without us because he can't even report our section's progress, even though we already updated him before the meeting. He never takes the blame or admits his faults, and he never defends us in meetings. Whenever we see him for guidance, he never listens properly, and we end up with more problems than solutions. 

Here comes point number 2: my workload should be handled by at least two or three people because it involves three big projects. I brought this up to my superiors and asked for assistance, but it didn't go well. His remarks early this year have had a deep impact on me. They always think I only manage or oversee the projects, but they don't realise I also go to the field to collect data. Why? Because I didn't have anyone to help me delegate tasks. When I go to the field for a week or two, my other projects get delayed, and nobody else in the office takes over and does them for me. It is not that I don't want to hand it over, but there is no one to hand it over to.

Photo Credit: Forbes

Then I have to answer many people, and it drains me. I feel like hiding somewhere whenever I see those people's names appear on my phone screen. Luckily, I am not going to the point of anxiety or a panic attack when I see their names on my phone screen. However, my irritability is high; it affects my relationship with those I love.

Managing stress at work is what I've struggled with for years. I do feel like quitting this job over and over again. However, I always stop myself when I think about my purpose, and this work I do is noble because I am giving back to people, Mother Earth, the creatures, and my God. If there is no GOD in my life, I think I am no longer working here. 

Daily Journal?

I haven't fully utilised this blog as my daily journal because I am too lazy to log in and write stories. Even though I already have so many of them in my head. It just lingers there, and I can't sit in front of my laptop and write. But I want to start writing again, write something meaningful, and look back and say, "Oh, I have been through this before." I do journaling in a physical book, but I am not that disciplined either. Most of my journals have blank pages. 

I wonder: how do you have motivation and be so disciplined about journaling? Is there any way that I can be that motivated and keep on writing? 

Photo credit: Freerange

Loss of motivation to work (again!)....

Lately, I've been grappling with a noticeable dip in my motivation to head to work. It's like I'm stuck in a familiar cycle I can't seem to break out of. During these low-energy phases, everything feels overwhelmingly heavy, almost as if gravity has doubled. Just getting out of bed in the morning turns into a monumental challenge. Even after waking up early, I find myself sinking back into the comfort of my blankets. I end up procrastinating showering, having breakfast, and getting myself ready for the day ahead. Arriving at work one or two hours late doesn't even weigh on my conscience anymore; it's almost as if time has lost its significance for me.  

Every time I encounter a tough situation at work, things seem to go from bad to worse. It’s disheartening when my superiors belittle my efforts and leave me feeling unsupported with my assigned tasks. The patriarchal culture in my organisation is glaringly obvious, with all of our leaders being men. I’ve even found myself in a confusing situation where I received conflicting instructions from different managers on the same project, leaving me stuck and unsure of which direction to take. This toxic work environment has really taken a toll on my motivation, values, and overall morale. It's exhausting to navigate!

Photo source Freepik

Should I pack my bag and hit the road? Hmm, maybe not. With the world facing such tough challenges right now and so many countries impacted, it doesn’t seem like the right moment to venture out.

 

Take delight in the Lord......

 Psalm 37:4

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

During the Palm Sunday weekend, I went to the Healing Rally, which was organised by one of our local churches and the service was conducted by Fr Bob, a Vincentian priest. Before I went to the healing rally, I attended the 24-hour adoration at another church and spent almost three hours there. Since they also offered the sacrament of reconciliation, I took the opportunity to go to confession. 

During adoration, I was swamped with guilt over the sin of pride. I asked the Holy Spirit to guide me in my confession and to help me dig deeper into that sin. What have I done, and what is the root cause of this sin? I am grateful to God for listening to my heart's desire and for His grace flowing into me. After that, I went home, and the next day I went to the healing rally.   

God's work is not yet complete in me. During the healing rally, Fr Bob mentioned healing from the sin of pride. Yes, that's me! During the adoration, the Holy Spirit touched my heart, and I went to confession. The next day, God wanted to heal me from the root cause of that sin. God is great! 

Meanwhile, during the healing, Fr Bob was also using the word of God a lot. The Word of God is what He promises to us. This Psalm 37:4 is one of those verses that He asked us to claim from God. Therefore, I am sharing it here, so you too can claim these promises from Him. May God continue to give you what you desire and align it with God's divine will. Alleluia, Christ is Risen!