My PTSD Journey - Part 2

My therapist is a woman, and she is very helpful and understanding. I still remember that in our first meeting, she told me this. 

This is not just about me; this is about you, and you will have to do the hard work. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. I am here to listen and guide you, and many others have faced similar struggles and come through stronger.

I agreed, and we started to list out what my main goal is for this therapy that I am undergoing with her. 'We will make sure you graduate,' she said. I trust her, and we start my journey to untangle all the knots and dig into the roots of my issue, which has helped me improve my relationships and manage stress better.

Photo Credit: BrainBodyWellnessAZ.com

Yes, it is a very bumpy road that I went through for those few months. At some point, I felt like giving up because unwrapping the wounds was painful and revisiting the past was hard. The memories and experiences I tried to sweep under the carpet now had to be brought to light. But I want you to know that if you're going through something similar, this process is worth it, and you're not alone in facing these challenges. Healing takes time, and that patience is part of the journey. 

The stigma at my workplace about people seeing a psychiatrist as a 'crazy' person actually scares me. But my therapist affirms that seeking professional help is a courageous act. Listening to her words of encouragement and affirmations gave me the strength to show up for all my appointments with her. 

This is my take-home message for those out there who struggle with mental health:

1. You are not alone. 
2. Take the first step to seek help, and it is okay to not be okay. 
3. The pain we dealt with in the process is a healing in progress. 
4. We are fighters, and we will never give up hope!

With love and prayers!

Rose 🌹

My PTSD Journey - Part 1

I feel compelled to share my journey with PTSD to raise awareness about mental health. October is Mental Health Awareness Month in Malaysia. Before I begin, I want to emphasise that we, the mental health patients and survivors, are not "crazy." Please refrain from calling us "orang gila" or any term that suggests we are insane. Such labels hurt us and do not aid in our recovery from already tangled minds. Instead, I urge you to be kind and empathetic towards us. Let’s work together to eliminate the stigma attached to mental health challenges.

I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) at the end of 2020. My symptoms worsened over time; I became more jumpy, easily irritated, experienced uncontrolled anger, and felt a constant urge to isolate myself from social interactions. The pandemic intensified my condition, as I found myself alone in my house. My only companion during this time was my cat, Gabby. It was during this period that I began to experience episodes at home, crying and feeling hopeless without any apparent triggers. My mind became my enemy, playing tricks on my conscience. My relationships with those around me deteriorated; I often picked fights with people who showed me kindness, unable to accept their love and compassion. My self-image suffered, leading to very negative self-talk.

Source: Kinder in the Keys

To make a long story short, I made a new friend while attempting to adopt a stray dog. She turned out to be a mental health doctor at the local clinic. As we became friends, I gradually began to open up to her about my struggles. Accessing a mental health doctor at a local hospital usually requires a recommendation letter from another doctor. After listening to my story, she offered to write me a recommendation if I wished to see a psychiatrist.

By the end of 2020, I started visiting the local mental health hospital. My journey began with consultations with a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with PTSD after conducting tests and evaluations. After a few sessions, the psychiatrist asked if I wanted to be prescribed medication; I declined and requested counselling instead. I undergo the counselling session over a year.

To be continued in Part 2.

Silenced

Photo Credit: Google Image 

It’s incredibly frustrating to feel like your voice doesn’t matter anymore. Is it because you’re a woman? Is it because people think you’re no longer significant? Is it because you seem invisible? Or is it simply that you’re not part of their inner circle? 

I used to speak up confidently and share my thoughts, but everything changed for me in 2019 when I faced humiliation at a management retreat. Since then, I’ve gradually lost my confidence. I don’t feel like the courageous, passionate, and motivated person I once was.

This message is for those in higher positions, those who make decisions, and those who hold power: We are all human, so please treat us that way. Listen to us. Allow us to share our thoughts without interruption.

Gosh, I don’t even have ideas to write anymore. Too frustrated and demotivated. To be continued…..

Negative Thoughts Haunting Me

 

Our photo during the dinner

I’ve been having some tough moments since last week. My mind isn’t in the right place, and I feel like I’m slowly sinking into a dark hole again. Negative thoughts are bombarding my mind with harsh affirmations. I’ve been trying hard to come back to the surface. During our Annual Dinner on Friday night, I attempted to capture a photo of myself and my colleague drowning in a glass of water (see above). Looking back, that’s exactly how I feel – drowning in the negative emotions surrounding me.

Last night, I felt alone and as if nobody cared about me. A deep sadness washed over me, making me feel neglected and abandoned by everyone. In the end, I cried and sobbed. What is actually happening? What are the triggers? What is the root cause of all these emotions suddenly surfacing?

I decided to practice the butterfly method my therapist taught me. While doing the tapping, I repeated affirmations like, “I am loved, I am enough, I am worthy, I am kind, I am amazing, I am precious.” It was difficult because I kept sobbing, but I persevered, knowing I need to get through this episode. I want peace of mind, peace of heart, and restful sleep.

After finishing with deep breathing and prayers, I tried to sleep. I played the "Songs of Mary" playlist, and finally, I fell asleep. Thank you, Lord.

A Way Out from the Misery Feeling

Photo Credit to Google Image Search

There are moments when the weight of everything feels unbearable—my family, my job, my entire life. I'm exhausted, and the constant stress and drama swirling around me make it hard to breathe. Recently, I've hit some of the lowest lows I've ever experienced. Yet, I know this isn't a new feeling for me; I've grappled with these shadows before.

After returning from grad school, I began to feel a sense of healing thanks to the therapy I received while I was there. But just two months back home, and once again, the familiar triggers that send me spiraling have come knocking at my door. One particularly tough trigger? The narcissistic personalities at my workplace. I don't think I'm mentally prepared to face them again when I return. I still vividly recall how warm and inviting they were on my first day, and I unwittingly fell for their façade of 'kindness' and 'support.' Looking back, I realize it was a clever trap meant to catch me off guard.

Reflecting on my current state, I've noticed some missing crucial elements that contribute to my despair. That's when I dove into research about narcissistic and toxic bosses, convinced that these behaviors explained the turmoil I was experiencing. I stumbled upon an insightful YouTube channel by Dr. Ramani, a psychologist who specializes in narcissistic personality disorders. Her discussions about workplace dynamics resonated with me deeply, igniting a spark of hope that I could navigate this darkness once more. I've faced tough battles before and know I can emerge stronger again.

In my search for guidance, I came across an eye-opening article by Adrienne Kmetz on beenremote.com titled "10 Ways to Know You're Working for a Narcissist (and How to Handle It)." Among her valuable insights, I want to highlight six pivotal tips that can make all the difference when dealing with such toxic environments. Reading these suggestions struck a chord with me, and I realized with a pang that I could have approached my situation differently. My reactions in the heat of the moment were far too emotional, and I allowed myself to sink into self-pity.

So, here are the six tips to keep in mind if you find yourself in a similar situation. For a more in-depth look, I highly recommend checking out Adrienne's article:

1. Try not to ruminate
2. Set boundaries
3. Focus on your own well-being
4. Document everything
5. Find a mentor or support system
6. Consider leaving

These strategies may just be the key to reclaiming my sanity and stability amidst the chaos.

Self Reminder: I am Enough

 

I feel really down last night until I have to keep reminding myself that I am okay. 

It has been a while I did not not feel like that.

Fighting that such negativity that clouded my mind.

As if it stuck there telling me that I am not worthy.

Not worthy of love.

Not worthy to be loved.

Not good enough for being me. 

Not capable of doing anything. 

It is just telling me that I am not good enough! 

Trying to overcome such a thought until I fell asleep.

Thank God I can sleep this time. 

So, I am trying hard to remind myself again that, 

It is okay not to be okay, sometime,

It is okay to cry it out loud and let it go,

It is okay feel alone but never lonely,

I am enough

I am loved

I am kind

I am smart

I am capable of doing things

I am not alone...

Feeling this emotions inside me like this.. 

I am not alone.. 

Our Lady of Good Success, 

pray for us. 

 Prayer to Saint Dymphna (patron saint for mentally ill)

Lord, our God, you graciously chose St. Dymphna as patroness of those afflicted with mental and nervous disorders. She is thus an inspiration and a symbol of charity to the thousands who ask her intercession.

Please grant, Lord, through the prayers of this pure youthful martyr, relief and consolation to all suffering such trials, and especially those for whom we pray.

 

(Mention those for whom you wish to pray).

We beg you, Lord, to hear the prayers of St. Dymphna on our behalf. Grant all those for whom we pray patience in their sufferings and resignation to your divine will. Please fill them with hope, and grant them the relief and cure they so much desire.

We ask this through Christ our Lord who suffered agony in the garden. Amen

Courage on mastering fear

Photo Credit to Google Photo Search

Today is the day. 

I took courage to see a doctor in order to figure out my problem.

With the doctor helps, i know what is my actual problems. 

I hope that i have enough strength to overcome this. 

With God nothing is impossible. 

I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me 

- Philippians 4:13.