My PTSD Journey - Part 1

I feel compelled to share my journey with PTSD to raise awareness about mental health. October is Mental Health Awareness Month in Malaysia. Before I begin, I want to emphasise that we, the mental health patients and survivors, are not "crazy." Please refrain from calling us "orang gila" or any term that suggests we are insane. Such labels hurt us and do not aid in our recovery from already tangled minds. Instead, I urge you to be kind and empathetic towards us. Let’s work together to eliminate the stigma attached to mental health challenges.

I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) at the end of 2020. My symptoms worsened over time; I became more jumpy, easily irritated, experienced uncontrolled anger, and felt a constant urge to isolate myself from social interactions. The pandemic intensified my condition, as I found myself alone in my house. My only companion during this time was my cat, Gabby. It was during this period that I began to experience episodes at home, crying and feeling hopeless without any apparent triggers. My mind became my enemy, playing tricks on my conscience. My relationships with those around me deteriorated; I often picked fights with people who showed me kindness, unable to accept their love and compassion. My self-image suffered, leading to very negative self-talk.

Source: Kinder in the Keys

To make a long story short, I made a new friend while attempting to adopt a stray dog. She turned out to be a mental health doctor at the local clinic. As we became friends, I gradually began to open up to her about my struggles. Accessing a mental health doctor at a local hospital usually requires a recommendation letter from another doctor. After listening to my story, she offered to write me a recommendation if I wished to see a psychiatrist.

By the end of 2020, I started visiting the local mental health hospital. My journey began with consultations with a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with PTSD after conducting tests and evaluations. After a few sessions, the psychiatrist asked if I wanted to be prescribed medication; I declined and requested counselling instead. I undergo the counselling session over a year.

To be continued in Part 2.

Silenced

Photo Credit: Google Image 

It’s incredibly frustrating to feel like your voice doesn’t matter anymore. Is it because you’re a woman? Is it because people think you’re no longer significant? Is it because you seem invisible? Or is it simply that you’re not part of their inner circle? 

I used to speak up confidently and share my thoughts, but everything changed for me in 2019 when I faced humiliation at a management retreat. Since then, I’ve gradually lost my confidence. I don’t feel like the courageous, passionate, and motivated person I once was.

This message is for those in higher positions, those who make decisions, and those who hold power: We are all human, so please treat us that way. Listen to us. Allow us to share our thoughts without interruption.

Gosh, I don’t even have ideas to write anymore. Too frustrated and demotivated. To be continued…..

Negative Thoughts Haunting Me

 

Our photo during the dinner

I’ve been having some tough moments since last week. My mind isn’t in the right place, and I feel like I’m slowly sinking into a dark hole again. Negative thoughts are bombarding my mind with harsh affirmations. I’ve been trying hard to come back to the surface. During our Annual Dinner on Friday night, I attempted to capture a photo of myself and my colleague drowning in a glass of water (see above). Looking back, that’s exactly how I feel – drowning in the negative emotions surrounding me.

Last night, I felt alone and as if nobody cared about me. A deep sadness washed over me, making me feel neglected and abandoned by everyone. In the end, I cried and sobbed. What is actually happening? What are the triggers? What is the root cause of all these emotions suddenly surfacing?

I decided to practice the butterfly method my therapist taught me. While doing the tapping, I repeated affirmations like, “I am loved, I am enough, I am worthy, I am kind, I am amazing, I am precious.” It was difficult because I kept sobbing, but I persevered, knowing I need to get through this episode. I want peace of mind, peace of heart, and restful sleep.

After finishing with deep breathing and prayers, I tried to sleep. I played the "Songs of Mary" playlist, and finally, I fell asleep. Thank you, Lord.

Officially Mrs. Covarrubias!

This blog is my diary. So, let it be that way even though there is Facebook or Instagram. I chose the first platform, which is my blog! I posted last year on December 7th that I was engaged, and then two days later, after I announced that good news, my dad passed away. Then, things were not going so well, and the plan to get married in June 2025 was not a priority anymore. However, God works in mysterious ways. 

We proceed with our church wedding on June 28th, 2025, at St Patrick's Church, Madison. I am officially Mrs. Covarrubias! Woooot!! Thank you, Lord, for giving us so much hope and blessing us with all the good people around us who help us make our wedding happen. My dear families, in-laws, and friends from both continents —Malaysia and America —thank you so much! I LOVE all of you so much! 

To my dear, lovely husband, we have been on our journey as husband and wife for almost four months now. When we decided to choose this path, we knew for sure that our distance would become one of our challenges. However, God keep giving us strength and courage to face this with trust and faith in each other. Let's keep moving forward with faith, and one day, we will be united and serving God as a little family. 

Holy Family of Nazareth, hear our prayers! 

Travel: Pulong Tau National Park (Day 2)

My first site assessment begins today. I need to find a suitable place inside the park or adjacent to the park boundary. It is a bit challenging for me because I need to make sure this site is close (~5m) to any water sources, and flat area.  

The first site that I went is a rocky stream near one of the villager’s farm. It is a nice place because of the accessibility and it has open and falt area. However, it is near the farm and the rocky stream has one side intact forest and the other side is this villager’s farm. So, it is a disturbed areas. One of the main concerns is the safety of the weather station which I will establish. While we were there, i got a chance to look around the farm. Uncle Lian grow a lot of fruit trees and vegetables. 

Capturing memories under the fruiting ‘jambu air’. 

On the way back, we saw a snake on the branch. I thought it was a vine but, as I walk closer and saw the head, only then I recognised it was a snake. 

Green Vine Snake (Ahaetulla prasina)

Around 3pm, I went to conduct a site assessment at a different location. This time, I went with three young and energetic Wildlife Guardian Ranger (WGR). Oh my! They walked so fast and I keep on reminding them that they need to wait for me. I walked very slow due to my lack of fitness.

With Luis, Lian, and Gideon.

These is a few of our observations along the trail and when we did an hour and half of frogging. 

White-lipped Stream Frog (Hylarana megalonesa) ?????
I am not 100% confident with my identification.

Nishikawa’s Large-eyed Litter Frog
(Leptobrachium kantonishikawai)

Moses

It was a good experienced today although I think my left feet doing its thing again. I do hope it will not get worse tomorrow. I also get bitten by three leeches. 

Will continue my site assessment again tomorrow. Till then!